I finally seem to be getting off Cloud 9 and back to my life. Getting up at 6:30 in the morning and hitting the gym hasn't been done since I started swamping myself with work. This morning, I realized what I was missing. Leaving the gym and rushing back home to get ready for work made me nostalgic for the early days when I was absorbing my independence. Every choice in my life was of my making, every decision. If I decided to go to the gym, who would stop me? I only had to answer to myself.
When I moved into my apartment, it took me weeks before I would stay up past 11 P.M. I felt like I was still in my dorm or at home, where I had to be considerate of others. I made sure to pour my orange juice into a glass and not drink from the carton. If I cooked, I made huge portions because it was selfish not to cook for others. I didn't hang my hand-washed stockings and underwear in the bathroom; I hung them on the posts of my bed. I was still living at home in my mind.
Then one day I woke up and realized I had to pay bills. $41 for the electric bill; $60 for cable; $56 for the telephone; $800 for rent. I sat in my home office and pulled out my newly minted check books and realized that I had a bank account, checking and savings. I had a life that I was starting. I was on my own.
ON MY FUCKING OWN!
That meant I could guzzle milk and orange juice form their respective cartons and not worry about "germing the thing." I could track water from my long shower on the floor if I wanted; I'd be the one who'd have to clean it. I was independent. I pay my way; therefore, it's my way.
Before I landed my dream job, I was barely getting by. But I knew I had great marketing skills and I knew it would take me somewhere, even if that somewhere meant I could at least pay for my unaffordable apartment-no-22-year-old-should be-renting without feeling like it was killing me. I promised that if I got a better job, a job where my talents were utilized correctly, then the first thing I'd do is get a gym membership. And by 23 I did it.
Now at almost 26, all I want to do is continue to secure my independence.
And working out at 6:30 in the morning somehow makes me feel like I'm doing so.