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Uncertainty

Last night, after I left his condo, I came home and popped in my trusty Portishead CD. I needed to hear hypnotic bass notes and dreamy guitars in order for me to go to sleep. Then "Over" came on, and the lyrics in the song captured how I feel about what's going on between him and me.

"To tread this fantasy, openly; what have I done?
Oh, this uncertainty is taking me over"

I'm uncertain on how to proceed. And I'm really uncertain if I want things to go further with him. I think he does. But think isn't good enough. Sometimes I feel being single for a while makes some people content, and entering a relationship becomes one of the hardest things to do. It means so much. It means change. The maxim goes: "Change Is a Good Thing," but it should be "Change Is a Hard Thing." Wanted or not wanted.

And we work together! That can't be a good thing. It's so messy.

But last night, as we watched the World Series and snacked on organic fruit leather, things felt "on." We sat on his sofa and made out between innings. He felt like my... man. And when he held me, I wanted us to stay that way. I wanted things not to shift an inch from that moment in his arms. But then Jenks came out and he went nuts, and suddenly I wasn't in his arms anymore. I may have felt sadness. He opened a bottle of Veuve Clicquot and he ended up pouring most of it over his balcony. We entered celebration mode, and all the hand holding, soft kisses, and caressing ended. I wanted to leave.

He drove me home. 

Watching a man drive has always been a turn-on for me. I felt safe with him. This was a different side of him, a softer, more boyfriend-material side. He was showing me that there's more to him than just sex. Guys! I just don't know.

He gives me pieces of him.

I'm just uncertain how to put them all together.

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