The Zaftig Chronicles

Who struts down an uneven street in stiletto heels, during her lunch break, carrying a bag of fresh kettle corn, hot chocolate, and today's paper to a man who'd just informed her that he hasn't showered in three days?  Hmm. If you guessed me, then you're wrong.  Try Diana . "He's starting to piss me off," she shouted over the phone this afternoon.  "Okay, forget your emotions, you had kettle corn and hot chocolate?" I asked. "What's with French men? They think women are at their fucking disposal." "What's wrong with bringing your man some goodies?"  "Nothing! But If I bring him goodies, he better give me some fucking goodies, too." "And that would be?"   A long silence...  "A shopping spree at Nordstrom or at least good head. Definitely not his stinky ass lying in a hotel room, speaking French to who knows who on his cellular, and motioning for me to put everything on the coffee table. What am ...

Because I needed to hear a dirty mind and mouth, I called Diana at work during my lunch hour. "What are you doing?" "French women don't get fat," she replied. (She never answers hello.) "Oh...they don't?" "No! They get drunk instead." "Okay, where are we going with this?" "It's a stupid  book . My fucking mind is churning over this shit." Diana picked up this book that explains why French women don't get fat; it's because they lead outdoorsy lives, drink copious amounts of wine, and pay attention to their zippers. This pisses Diana off. "Fuck French women." "That's not nice. What are you doing reading that book anyway?" (Diana's barely a size 4.) "You know I'm fucking Robert." (Robert is Diana's Parisian go-to-fuck. He's in Chicago until late November.) "Okay?" "And I wanted to read something about France, so I borrowed Gina's book." ...

What do you get when you sic a tall gay Swede and a curvy single chick on the city? If you answered chaos, then you're correct.  Man, the shit Jan and I will do to keep ourselves entertained. Jan's happy because Henry's out of the hospital on Monday and he finally gets to play Florence Nightingale. So we headed out for a yummy Chinese dinner, then to Rush street, where it was a blur of clubs, sluts, fancy cars, and headache-inducing music, beers and cheering for the White Sox. Then we went to a swingers party! What the fuck? Swingers are FREAKS! There were people dressed in leather, suspended in mid air, and all the usual debauchery that takes place at these parties. Jan and I followed this couple we met outside of some club to this party in the western suburbs, where we were told that anything goes. Everything did. Jan and I pretended we were a couple, and thanks to his goatee -- which makes him look very masculine -- it went over. We were voyeurs. Nothing hot happened, re...

Viv's back in therapy. With the help of her therapist, she's "attacking why she feels swamped all the time." So her therapist has asked her to write down how her typical day unfolds. Viv was also asked to write how a particular activity she does makes her feel. We did it together. I replicate mine here.  How I feel is in parenthesis. 7:00 A.M.: Alarm goes off. I wake up to Lenny Kravitz's "American Woman." (This song makes me feel so energized.) 7:15: I load my disc player with Black Eyed Peas, Nina Simone, Billie Holliday, etc. (I need music in the morning. It helps me feel alive. I dance in my underwear a lot.) 7:30: Head to the bathroom. I time-budget a shower. This is where I don the World's Ugliest Shower Cap. It's so ugly that I hide it when company comes over. Exfoliate. 7:50: Dry off. I slather on some delicious-smelling body butter; this month it's been black currant body butter from Bath & Body Works. (I stock up on moisturi...

Jan came to my job this afternoon with juicy, ripe mangoes in tow. But he came to check out my fling. In came this tanned, 6'6'' blond Swede carrying a plastic bag full of mangoes. He came upstairs and met me at my desk. I was wearing one of the new outfits he sent over two days ago; He fawned over how good it looks on me. He knows my style so well. He then set the mangoes on my desk. "They were on sale at Jewel's!" Is being overly generous a Swedish thing? First three great outfits from his boyfriend Henry's boutique, our expensive sushi dinner, and now delicious mangoes. Who knows what else will come this week. I wonder if all Swedes are this generous to their friends. Jan's not exactly the best influence on me at work: Last time he visited, he sauntered innocently to my desk and opened a bag to reveal a bottle of Sauza, sliced limes, and a mini salt shaker. His dog had just died,  and we were both incredibly depressed over it. We did shots out of co...

"You're passing up opportunities to have really wild office sex," said my wild and nymphomaniacal friend, Diana. My attempts to explain that I am assessing the situation and that wild office sex may or may not be in the near future proved futile. Other noteworthy quotes from the Divine D (my "Therapist with Issues") today: "I think you're a masochist!" "He has a foot fetish? Oh, that's so hot." "You need to blow Him in the men's bathroom, and tell Him you have a cock fetish." "You're boring me, Zaftig." "You're a major tease. You're teasing Him and you're teasing yourself." "Bye. I'm going to eat carbs." Session over.

(Random, meaningless post I am posting because I feel like blogging.) First, go to the new and seriously fab Vodka Lounge on Sheffield and have a couple appletinis; then flirt with a tall brown-haired guy who keeps reminding you how much he likes "Cuuuuurrvy women." Pretend that it doesn't bother you that your friend is tempted to show her clit ring to the guy who sent both of you the double entendre drink Happy Ending. Drink merrily. For hours. Stumble out the Vodka Lounge and attempt to hail a cab, but realize your attention is needed back inside, where you will enlist several tipsy chicks and dudes to find your tragically expensive $400 handbag. Handbag will turn up in the ladies' bathroom without even a stick of gum missing. Grab your friend, who is hammered to the point that she challenges you to "take a piss in the men's urinal" standing up. Ignore her challenge. And you don't really care to smoke a joint with some "friends" sh...