Home at last! I love being with family this time of year, but coming to the home I've made for myself is the best thing in the world. I don't care that I have to unpack or that I have to pay bills or make an appointment with the dentist or even that I have to clean my apartment. I look forward to doing these things, because it's me; it's what I do. So while I enjoy spending time with aunts, uncles, and yes...even cousins and eating the food of my childhood, it's still doesn't compare to the feeling of turning the key in your own door and flicking on the lights you pay for every month.
Uncle Gary married a beautiful Indian dentist and produced two spoiled, raven-haired, grey-eyed brats.
Tracey (31) hates all of her cousins, especially my sister. She is pure evil. She's married to an alcoholic, but is in SERIOUS denial. Last Christmas, her husband got incredibly drunk and proceeded to pull down Soniya's skimpy top, and Tracey attacked Soniya, saying she was flirting with her husband. "You curry bitch!" she screamed. My grandmother made them leave, and they stayed the rest of the holiday in a hotel room. Our score: 0. We don't speak. This year, she rolled her eyes at Jan and mouthed "homo" to her sister Kelly, the only one who can stand her ass.
Jan was miserable. He missed Henry terribly, and since Henry is not out to his family, Jan didn't get to invite Henry's family to their home, where he swears he can set a table that would make Martha Stewart cry. I know this is true because I've seen Jan at his best when it comes to making things all pretty.
So in the hotel room, Jan unloaded his transferred-from-VHS-to-DVD I Love Lucy discs and consoled himself by watching the frantic red-head. At around 9:00 P.M., he'd pop in a DVD and settle in front of the television, with his tightly clutched cell phone in hand. Ten or so minutes into an episode, he'd make a call to Henry. They would talk for about five minutes, then Jan would tear up and whisper into the phone things I tried not to hear. Love words for his Loved One. After he'd get his Henry fix, he'd run his hands through his shoulder length, well-conditioned blond hair, sigh, and then laugh at a funny stint by Lucy and Ethel.
Before we left NH, I'd seen Lucy drink sedative-spiked seltzer water, stuff chocolates into her blouse and mouth, buy furniture against Ricky's wishes, go to to Hollywood and steal famous footprints, and eat butter and watercress sandwiches on a road trip. Jan recited EVERY line, even down to the nuances. I like when he's laughing and enjoying himself, considering. It's sad that Henry isn't courageous enough to share his love with his family, but who am I to judge? I can't even go down that road.
It was truly a distraction for him, and he was off the whole trip. He overcooked the dumplings he'd bragged about to my family. My judge-y Nanna looked at the pot like she was offended. But Jan being Jan, he just picked himself up and tried again. He aced it. He aces a lot of things, especially friendships, and especially our friendship.
Now to my cousins -- they were unusually tamed this year. I have four cousins, all female, and all around the same age. This is the weird part, my mother has two daughters and her two siblings have two daughters apiece. The eldest is only 31. We basically grew up together and did the same stuff as kids, but there was always competition. Who's smarter, prettier, sexier. Here's the rundown:
Uncle Gary's Daughters: Deepa & Soniya
Uncle Gary married a beautiful Indian dentist and produced two spoiled, raven-haired, grey-eyed brats.
Deepa (28) is what I call a career at-homist -- she plans on staying at home for the rest of her life. She doesn't work and her claim to fame is her wonderful saying: "Mommy and daddy are rich, so why should I worry about anything?" On a scale of 1-10, our get-along score is 6. At least she says hello and asks how I like working, as if having a job and earning my keep is such a terrible thing. That's about where the niceties end.
Soniya (23) is the smart aleck brat with an Ivy League education to back her up. Ask her anything and she probably knows the answer. She's unbelievably beautiful, but a serious bitch. Even she and her sister don't get along because she's always being referred to as The Pretty One. Our score: 4. She speaks but barely.
Aunt Emma's Daughters: Tracey & Kelly
Tracey (31) hates all of her cousins, especially my sister. She is pure evil. She's married to an alcoholic, but is in SERIOUS denial. Last Christmas, her husband got incredibly drunk and proceeded to pull down Soniya's skimpy top, and Tracey attacked Soniya, saying she was flirting with her husband. "You curry bitch!" she screamed. My grandmother made them leave, and they stayed the rest of the holiday in a hotel room. Our score: 0. We don't speak. This year, she rolled her eyes at Jan and mouthed "homo" to her sister Kelly, the only one who can stand her ass.
Kelly (26) is a few months older than me, so we pretty much were supposed best-friends as children. The only problem with that was WE HATED each other. We broke each other dolls and pulled each other's hair . We competed for everything. Then the copying began. I have caramel hair and champagne highlights, she has caramel hair and champagne highlights, I'm in advertising, she's in advertising, I'm a size fourteen, she's a size fourteen (down from an 18). "You're losing weight," she said.
"Oh, don't start dieting yet," I replied, "I plan on gaining it back this week." Our score: 1
However, the most fun I had was when Jan and I stole a jar of maraschino cherries, bowl of creamed jello, and chocolate donuts from the offerings; we snuck them to our hotel room and medicated appropriately, while cutting a few bitches down. Glad to be home! Glad to fucking be at HOME!