Skip to main content

Late

There are a lot of things I enjoy late: Sleeping in late, being fashionably late, late for work (well sometimes). 

However, there is one thing I hate to be late for -- at least at this time in my life -- and that's the proverbial aunt Flo. As dreadful as a visit from her may be, she is a welcoming reminder that my choice for birth control is fucking working. Sure she brings cramps and the occasional bitchiness, but she only stays a few days, unleashes her wrath for my not giving her any nieces and nephews to babysit, and departs, threatening to stay on my ass for at least another thirty years. Flo was expected to visit around Monday, but it's now Wednesday and she has yet to show her pretty little red-head. She's rarely late. I can't help but wonder -- IF SHE WILL EVER SHOW!

Okay, the above paragraph was cute and metaphorical, but trust me, I am not taking this thing too lightly. I have to be cute right now in order to take the seriousness out of the situation; for my sanity. I have to be lighthearted; otherwise, I will have a breakdown right here at work. 

I've been heading to the bathroom on the hour, checking to see if Flo is ringing the bell, but she's not. People are probably beginning to think I have bulimia or something. I don't care, I'm a wreck. And Steven is still on vacation, not that I would share this surely terrifying news with him, but I just want to take out my frustrations on the possible source of Flo's disappearance. Remember when he was holding your hands behind your back and doing you? Yes. Well, remember you wondered why his penis felt different, better? Yes. Maybe he took the condom off. Oh God! You can get pregnant from pre-cum, you know? Shut the fuck up! 

I've been experiencing these thoughts for the last two days. They don't help. 

So after work today, a journey to Walgreens will be embarked upon. And for the second time in my life, I will wait for a minus or a plus. I know it's early, but better to be early than too late.
Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

Tick-Tock

So there I was, standing in line at Walgreens, a bottle of orange juice and a box with the acronym e.p.t. stenciled across it in my hands. The orange juice is there to make me feel better. This is no big deal; just a city girl buying orange juice and a pregnancy test. There's an old white-haired lady behind me with a tube of KY Jelly and tampons. Okay.... In front of me is a middle-aged man, looking jolly with chubby red cheeks. "Hurry up," he barks to cashier, "I left my car running." Well, so much for jolly. It was my turn. I manage to stop my hand from shaking long enough to put my things on the counter and pry my wallet from my handbag. I paid and fled. Jan's waiting in the lobby of my apartment building, chatting up my doorman. When he spots me he frowns. "Oh, look at you, honey," he says while hugging me. "C'mon, baby, let's get this over with." I smile, comforted by his genuine concern. When Jan's being comfort, his acc...
Read more

Swamped

Yeah, things are pretty hectic right now. Just taking a spare moment to write this has fucked up my schedule.  Work has made me a zombie; I'm living off air, Kung Pao chicken, Fresca, and phone calls to half my workforce to attack their incompetence. I'm so swamped. I don't even think I will finish everything by next week.  Seriously, life gets like this at this time of the year. Trust me, interesting things are happening, but I just don't have the time right now to chronicle them. Bear with me. And thanks for the caring emails. Things should resume briefly.
Read more

Happy New Year II

Well, my New Year was quite happy. I spent all Sunday lounging in bed with Steven. Sure, we smelled like sex, alcohol, and freshening cloths, but it was such a beautiful moment. The only times he left the bed was to bring us toothpaste and toothbrushes, me orange juice, and to pay for our ordered-in Chinese. And the only time I left was to use the bathroom. We even had a chopstick duel that lasted a good ten minutes, with me winning by snapping his chopsticks into fours, to which he exclaimed, "Damn bamboo!" After we were fully fed, sexed, and freshned, we watched On Demand programming, which was both fun (the Cathouse series on HBO) and gross (The Discovery Channel's Medical Incredibles series, where a woman's skin fell off.) Then we talked about our New Year's resolutions. He wants to buy a new car. I, on the otherhand, want to stop buying stuff. "I'd like to be sensible ." He finally went home around eleven, it was then I changed my sheets and too...
Read more